Thankfully slaphead described above is unlikely to drive a 2CV, so should have no interest in this forum let alone the attention span to read this thread.....

Hi Mr Nail ..... I guess working as a doorman,you've no doubt given a few of the above mentioned little b*st*rds a lesson or two ....but here's a heartwarming story.
About five years ago,I was about to park my 2CV outside the local Chippie [Fish & Chip shop] .....a gang of about 8 to 12 year olds were hanging around outside,and one them [obviously the ringleader] asked me "Why I was driving such a bag of sh*t".
My reply was unprintable,but at that point he backed away to a safe distance [over the road] .....and then made it obvious that as soon as I'd gone in the shop my car would be his target.
Now I'm pretty fit for my age,but theres no way I'm gonna catch a 12y.o.
However ....my car may look tidy from outside,but I'm the worlds worst at keeping the interior tidy,and as I'd recently changed the spark plugs I'd simply thrown the old two in the boot .... Have you ever considered how good a weapon a spark plug makes when thrown? .....my first throw was about 3ft from target .....I aimed for his head .....fortunately,I missed and hit him in the groin [another two inches to the left and I'd have turned him into an Eunuch].
He immediately went down and laid on the floor screaming [all his mates had run off by now] .....at which point I walked over to him and [after threatening him with a "a good kicking"] offered to help him up,and then give him a lift home in the "bag of sh*t" .....where-upon I promised him that I would give his father a good pasting too.
He declined my offer,although I could tell that I had really genuinely hurt him.
The story did'nt end there ....a few weeks later,I was recounting the story [in the local pub] to a friend,and from my description of the lad,my mate pointed out the kids father [it seems my pals brother had some aggro with the kid previously] ...... I then confronted the father [who was a complete "waste of oxygen"] ....I told "Dad" the story ....needless to say "Daddy" backed down from my offer of continuing our "discussion" in the pub car park and me fulfilling the promise I'd made to his little twunt of a son.

Fast forward about four years ......to only last summer,I saw that kid and his dad coming outa the local Chemists Shop ......the youth was obviously 8 miles high [on Methadone I suspect] .....seems he'd got himself hooked on heroin [or some other cr@p which they insist on injecting themselves with].
I was sitting in the "bag of sh*te" at the time ......I gave daddy a knowing smile .... .....

Poetic Justice I call it ....

best regards
T.

now thats a story worth reading!!! thats hilarious!

need to make some sort of shotgun that takes sparkplugs as bullets!

Unlikely to drive one Julian but very likely to tip one over, steal, set fire to, or, come to that just piss in the tank of one. My previous reply to squeezebox was of course tongue in cheek...but only just.

I've no need to provoke them on here either, they know me from when I worked the doors. I used to run three cars back then, one for 'work' (an old golf GTI) another one that no one knew I had for 'best' (a newish Audi A4) and a hobby one (a 2cv). That poor VW golf was trashed sooo many times I can't tell you, but that was it's role so I shrugged it off and had it fixed. Sadly they also trashed the 2cv four or five times outside my house too, until I eventually hid it.

Terry for the last five years I have done my level best to avoid becoming involved in violence of any kind. I've not always succeeded mind, but I sincerely try to avoid any conflict these days unless it is brought to me. I met (my now wife) 5 years ago and at the same time gave up working the doors, and while I may have always been something of a rough diamond, for the last five years she has been trying to polish off those rough edges, I think it's working too.

I get told off for swearing at home these days, which is quite novel given that my ex-wife would have made Gordon Ramsay blush. I'm sure people reading this must think I'm a bit of a horror, but in reality I am polite and quietly spoken - always have been. (unless you're a muppet)

When I go back to my home town these days though I feel like David Attenborough - they're a whole new species, 3rd generation nob-heads.

Nothing to report vis a vis the car in this post other than the fact that I stuck in some yellow halogens the other day so as to be brighter for winter, (thanks James) and I have sent for a universal high lever brake light off ebay, which I'll also pop in once it arrives.

As there's nothing car related going on at the moment I'll ramble on about something else which may or may not be of interest.
Those of you that want to hear it go make a brew, pull up a chair and get comfy, and those who don't.... er... you still here?
What's prompted this post is really reply to forum member devil's advocate, who was wondering if I paint pictures in other styles, as we both saw this on ebay and liked it.



What attracted me to the above painting was the faces, I'm fascinated by unusual faces, and I am always on the lookout for them as I go about my daily routine. My wife sometimes nudges me when she catches me staring.

Many years of working with the public has provided me with a vast visual memory of odd faces and character types, and even if I see them in photo's on the net I'll take them too. I got this one shown below just the other night, and no doubt these two fella's will appear in a painting of mine at some point.



So, painting in other styles. I have painted in other styles when the need has arisen from time to time (i.e. when I'm skint) but there is a fine line between painting in another's style, doing a reproduction, or making a forgery. I suppose a forgery is defined as something produced with the intent to deceive which is something I have never done, but those pictures painted in someone else's style, or copies of existing modern paintings don't go down well with the art world.

Modern paintings can't be carbon dated to verify them like the old masters can you see, because they're modern! Only a fool would forge an old master these days, why do so much hard work when there are so many big money 'modern's' about?

For example about six years ago I was knocking out Alexandar Millar copies for £200 quid a time, they were bought privately by a bloke who also owned the originals, he eventually moved to France so I never did know for sure what he wanted them for? as a fail-safe device I always made sure that I used cheap cotton canvas for those works though, as a real Millar would be painted on expensive linen.



Above: an Alexander Millar painting.

One artist who's life has had some strange parallels to my own is the Scottish artist Peter Howson. Howson was born the year before me, started painting at an early age, took up body-building and also worked for a time as a nightclub doorman. Howson's similar fascination with the grotesque has ensured that the faces he met during that time have populated his paintings ever since. His work also attracts me (well some of it does) but the price for an original is sky high.

So what to do? well I liked his work, and I decided that as I couldn't afford an original I would paint a replica for my home. I chose a work called 'Steam and power IV' which was a small square canvas of around eighteen inches. I looked on this website, http://www.art-company-scotland.com/catalog.asp?int_catalog_id=5 where the painting was on sale for £5,500.00



Above: Peter Howson, Steam and power IV.

So I set too and within a week I had painted myself a replica, saving myself £5.5k into the bargain, and all was well, until that is the Mrs. saw it.

"Surely you don't want that on the wall? It's horrible - ugly!"

Ah well! I must admit Howson's works are an acquired taste so I decided to get rid and stuck it on ebay for fifty quid. The next thing I know I've got the 'Art company Scotland' (owners of the original) on my case, "remove it or else!... instruct our lawyers, etc etc". I told them that the work was an unsigned reproduction, on cotton canvas, and had been listed as such. Clearly there was no intent to pass it off as the genuine article and besides, a fifty quid buy it now price might just tell you it isn't original.


Nope! They argued, they threatened, they held their breath until they turned blue but all they achieved was to gain a huge following of watchers as I was posting each one of the threats they sent via the ebay questions thingy on the listing!



Above; My 'Howson' - the painting that caused all the fuss!

The upshot of it all was that the painting was bought by a chap in Glasgow, (home of Howson himself) who asked me to paint a series of them for him! I declined the offer as it happens, but I often wonder if it was Howson himself?

So, in answer to devils Advocate's question that's why I never paint in 'other styles' anymore.

Fab tale! I was hoping it was something like that!!

I think the Millar painting is stunning - very powerful. The Howson - er - not so much

I understand why you wouldn't want to make a copy of an existing painting (altho' on t'other hand, after the response from 'Art Company Scotland', I'm half surprised you didn't set up a batch production), but I'd love to see you produce a Deux Chevaux in that kind of style. I really envy your talent.

O_N do you ever go out and sit in places of interest, and paint them?

also np with the bulbs

Sorry for the late reply I've just been watching those miners get rescued, nice to see a happy story once in a while.



No James I never do. That would mean my coming into contact with too many distractions and I'd get nothing done. For the most part I get nothing done anyway as I'm so easily distracted. One of the hardest things I find is convincing others that I'm hard at work when I'm just stood staring through the window.

DA the easiest thing for me to have done back then was to have painted a new 'Howson' each week which would have both provided an easy stream of income while royally pissing off the Scottish gallery, but I got myself into something else around about that time so I let it be.

I can understand the lack of enthusiasm for Howson's work, they are mostly populated by brutish creatures, the stuff of nightmares in fact, but those folk exist nonetheless. I prefer to include a little humour in my paintings if possible, I see it everywhere. I can't always understand the English language y'know, friends say my paintings are wry but my humour is dry.


Re the 2cv painting you mention, in which particular style do you mean - in the naive style like an Alex Millar?

I'm not sure what 'naive' style means in artistic terms, but - yes - in the Millar example you showed above; that coarse, dappled, blotchy, hazy, undefined, whatever-way that ends up conveying much more about the atmosphere than any detail would do.

I love that painting - I guess it's pretty corny in many ways, but it still demands to be looked at for a long time. Tons of pathos - almost too much to bear - but the sunlight over the smog is still quite heartening at the same time. I just like what I like without necessarily knowing why.

I think your 'barn find' painting would also suit that style. Or a Deux Chevaux in a field. Or even on the cobbled street where that hunched old cove is trudging his weary way.

Is that one of yours - the one above ^?

Yes that was a small one done a while back in the Millar way.
A word here about painting technique that many people don't understand as technique is somewhat confused for 'style'.

I've just been reading 2cvkeza's thread, and marvelling at his skill as a metalworker. Such craftsmanship is good to see. In him there is an example of a man who has mastered his materials and processes. If you wanted an A series restored thoroughly then naturally such a man is one who could deliver.

In painting, before the 17th Century artists were also seen as craftsmen, much like cabinet makers or jewellers, and their products needed to be technically sound, well executed and constructed in order to sell. That craftsmanship has ensure that so many old master paintings still exist today, four hundred years after they were painted.

Today's artists do not have a similar level of craftsmanship, they make many 'cardinal sins' in terms of painting construction, and use techniques which will harm their paintings in the long term, causing them to fail in a relatively short period of time. The analogy might be seen as the solid technique of 2cvkeza 'old master' in restoring his Dyane, compared to a 'chicken wire and filler' contemporary.

I've studied several painters closely over the years, you do this simply to learn. If ever you visit a museum or art gallery there are roughly two approaches, you can stand well back from a painting in order to take in the whole effect, see the paintings composition, colouring, and areas of light and shade, or in other words the big picture.

Those folks that you see with their nose pressed up against the work are studying technique, or in other words not what the artist has done, but how. This I did with Millar before painting in his style. What I found was that he encrusts his painting surface with thick impasto (the term for thick paint) which is technically unsound.

Canvas, being a natural material will absorb and shed any moisture present in the air, and as it does so it will naturally swell and shrink also, the paint that it bears hasn't the same degree of flexibility, and so it cracks. Thick paint not only cracks, but can detach from the canvas entirely, and will yellow with age because of the large amount of linseed oil that it contains, thus changing the colour of the work over time.

Many artists today, and even more so their galleries or art dealers don't give a toss what the painting will look like in twenty years, after all they will have had your money and retired by then. The subsequent yellowing, darkening and cracking will cause the painting to fail to a greater or lesser degree, so no family heirlooms from today's painters then! Having said that a great deal of Van Gogh's work has survived more or less intact, but mainly due to being held in climate controlled gallery conditions for most of its life.

Such paintings as Millar's which use unsound technique for 'effect' have become very popular in modern times, I like them myself too actually, but I also accept that they are technically unsound. When I get some spare time I'll do another demo, this time using the 'Millar' technique. I'll paint it on canvas panel which is a more stable support than just canvas, and the subject matter will be a 2cv as you suggest.

By doing this I might be able to demonstrate two things, one is how different the technique is to that used in the last painting, and the other how quickly that kind of stuff can be churned out!